Hello

Welcome to my new blog. I plan for this to be a space for me to write freely and share whatever random thoughts and things I feel need to be released from this creative mind I have. My fellow creatives know that it’s hard to get all of the things out of your head when you’re constantly creating. This blog is meant to be informal and not a substitute for my actual published work. I just want to preface that and set expectations now lol. Sometimes I just feel like writing or creating and I don’t want to jump back into my world of characters. I need them to separate sometimes.

Today I want to talk about a few things that have been on my mind as an author. I still consider myself a new indie author. I only have one book published so far and my second one releases June 27th. Lately I have had a lot of feelings of self-doubt, imposter syndrome, anxiety, worry, etc. all of the above. Being an author is a new thing for me, and I never thought it was something that would ever happen for me. I went through many years of trying different things, including blogging. I was always trying to find my way somehow, always trying to find what my purpose was. Ever since I published my first book people have told me this is my calling, this is my purpose. I’ve been terrified to even say that out loud. It scares me because what if it’s not. What if I’m wrong? What if I’m not as good as people say I am?

Every time I experience hitting a new goal or celebrate something in relation to my books, I have these extremely low moments of negativity. And it’s a self-imposed form of negativity. I often question if this shit is even real. Did I really find the path I’m supposed to take? Am I really a successful person? Am I really a good author? I start to wonder if I’m doing anything right. Questioning my own marketing of my second book, questioning my own writing. Is this any good?  Will my next release even be successful? All of this keeps me awake at night sometimes.

When I made the decision to take writing seriously and actually self-publish my first book, I went into it without any expectations. I told myself I would do it and just let it go. I never thought it would gain any type of traction. I didn’t think anyone would read it outside of my friends and family and even then, I didn’t believe they would read it. So, for me to have made a little noise with my first book, I got a taste of what I could have. I can finally see a direction for myself. And it quite honestly scares the shit out of me. I feel excitement and a large amount of fear. Fear that I could be setting myself up for epic failure.

  At this point you’re probably wondering why do this if you feel this way? The answer is because I actually enjoy what I do now as an author. I’ve never had a job that I actually enjoyed. I’ve finally found something that I would do no matter what. I would be extremely sad if writing was taken away from me tomorrow. There was a moment before I published FIRE that I thought the book wasn’t going to come out. I couldn’t afford an editor I was hoping to work with. Then I reached out to another editor, and she rejected me. So, I was devastated. I cried in my kitchen feeling heartbroken saying my book was never going to come out. My husband let me have a pity party for a few minutes. Then he said, “It’s going to be fine we will figure this out, I’ll edit for you if it comes down to it. But you’re going to do this, and the book is coming out. Fuck them.” That lit a fire within myself and that’s when I realized I wanted this no matter what. So, I pulled myself together and kept going and even found the editor I have today. I refused to let money or anything else stop me. One thing about me, I hate hearing the word No. Telling me I can’t do something just makes me want it even more. I have a strong rebellious will, that can be relentless at times. And I’m not ashamed of that, it’s pushed me in various ways in life and given me an edge I know makes me different.

I say all of this to say, don’t let the negative voices in your head or the negative voices around you deter you from whatever it is you may want in this life. We are all living life for the first time.  It’s ok to give yourself grace with a little bit of fire underneath to push you along the way. As I said above, this blog is my little informal creative corner to get my thoughts out and whatever else I decide to include here. This is my way of connecting with those of you who like my work or just want to learn more about me as Arya Banx. I plan to keep this updated regularly. Don’t ask me for a schedule just watch out for my socials and sign up for my newsletter. Those are the best places to keep up with me and this baby blog for now.